Expressing Our Most Inner Self

Most of my blogs take a more global church perspective.  Every once in awhile, I will write a blog that is more personal in an effort to help you better know this blog's author.  This one is written very close to the heart and explores the sensitive theme of emotion. 

Thank you for your willing to read, listen and be in relationship.

Expressing our most Inner Self:

     Each of us have stories and particular life events that touch us in such a deep and holy place that we are unsure exactly where our body and this sacred deep place meet.  Sometimes, we are touched when we encounter a special event or memory of an event.  It may be a conversation, a reading, a movie, a song or some other form of communication that touches a core piece of who we are – and it is so deep that we react in our own personal way.

     For me, I react with tears. 

      All of us act out sacred moments differently.  For me, it comes in tears -sometimes sobs.  And whenever I cry, I know that I am in a precious place where I can touch (maybe only for a moment) the most sacred part of me as it meets the world. 

Sometimes I cry from sadness,

Sometimes anger,

Sometimes sheer joy.

     Tears have come to be a hallmark of my most authentic self.  And I treasure all my learnings and inspirations that are powerful enough to make me cry. 

     And yet, my tears make many people uncomfortable…

     Oftentimes, people will jump up and try to comfort me.  Their actions are caring and yet I know also know they only wish for the tears to stop. 

     Sometimes, I am even berated for my tears.  This is particularly true in my professional work as a religious educator in the Unitarian Universalist church.  Please know that I rarely cry in the midst of my professional work.  It has happened only a handful of times and in places where great compassion for the topic or community is at heart of the moment. 

     Once, my minister told me that my emotions were out of proportion for the conversation in which we were privately having. 

     Once, a minister told me that as a professional, my tears made the sole parishioner uncomfortable and that I was unfit to carry out my duties. 

     Was this true? 

     In the first instance, we were talking about an injustice and the pain of suffering led me to tears. 

     In the second instance, I was in the midst of leaving my professional position.  Without warning, I was asked to join a meeting and explain my reasons to the one person who I respected most in the church.  This was the person who would take on most of the religious education duties and the one person that I felt I was abandoning.  It was right to go.  But that does not mean that there are no causalities and it pains me when those who are most committed are the ones most hurt.  I cried in the telling. 

     Maybe it is wrong to cry in a professional place.  But I have no idea how to stop crying in these powerful places even if I wanted to.  And I am not sure I want to since crying leads me to one of the most authentic and compassionate places in myself. 

     Lately, I have remembered fondly the time at General Assembly when Rev. Bill Sinkford honored the men and women who serve as Unitarian Universalist military chaplains.  With tears in his eyes, he told the story of his son entering the military and feeling alone because there were no chaplains from his own beloved denomination. 

     I also remember the great honor Rev. Mark Hicks bestowed on the LREDA fall conference worshipers the great honor of telling a story of his journey into Africa with colleagues.  At one point in the story, he was moved to tears and stepped back from the lectern to regain his composure.  He did not leave.  He shared his tears with us.  I remember feeling totally attentive and honored by the fact that he was willing to share his total heart with us. 

     And I remember a powerful moment where Rev. Manish Mishra-Marzetti shed tears as he gave apology in the midst of a heartfelt forum concerning congregation healing over racial issues. 

      So why such a range in response to tears?  Why do tears make us uncomfortable one moment and moved in another?  It is a question that is a part of my daily prayers and reflection.

     If tears are a hindrance to religious professionalism, then I guess I am not equipped to be a religious professional.   After all, tears are at the essence of my being.  They come only when my body, mind and the sacred touch each other.  And I find it sad that we cannot find a way to allow our authentic selves to be a part of our ministry.

      Until a way is found, I will own my tears as a valuable part of who I am.  And I welcome anyone who wishes to share them with me.  If you are with me and you cry, please know that I trust I that something amazing is happening and I am honored that you are willing to share this with me.  And if I cry in your presence, please accept the gift knowing that I am sharing a moment when my soul and the earth meet with your presence.  

Photo credit:  Tears of Joy in Rain by Dinara Omarova 2015   https://www.artfinder.com/product/tears-of-joy-in-rain/